Healing: Myth or Reality?
Healing is a familiar theme to people suffering from an eating disorder. In fact, most people dealing with this kind of disorder ask themselves the question “Is healing really possible?” In particularly dark moments, many of us come to doubt it. This is the reason why I am telling you my story.
My name is Mariane, I am 28 years old and I have suffered from bulimia and binge eating disorder during five long years, from ages 15 to 20 years old. These years have been the most difficult of my life and I seriously thought I couldn’t be cured. During this period, I wished to die many times instead of keeping on living in this hell and thought about ending my life on several occasions. Despite all, I can say today that recovery really exists and that healing is possible.
My childhood was very difficult due to the fact that my father was an alcoholic and my mother was diagnosed manic-depressive. These issues made my home life very unpleasant. Naturally, my parents were not the most caring, and I was left more or less to myself for the majority of my childhood. I was a quiet kid who quickly turned to books to fulfill the loneliness I felt from being neglected by my parents. I know now that my situation certainly had an impact on the development of my eating disorder. In fact, eating disorders often have more to do with a lack of self-confidence and low self esteem, then from food itself and I was certainly not the girl with the most self-esteem!
My eating disorder started innocently. My parents separated when I was 12 years old and I was living alone with my father. He was not doing very well and his alcohol problems were greatly changing his behaviour. Therefore, I had to move from my native Abitibi to the big city (Montreal) at the age of 15 to live with my mother. I was really nervous about the idea of starting in a new school and I was not feeling good about myself. I was 5 foot 6, weighed 135 pounds and I thought I was fat and I absolutely wanted to lose weight before starting school. I decided to go on a diet before starting school to drop the “extra” 15 pounds I had. What a serious mistake! I put myself on a very strict diet that I was able to follow for only three days. I then slipped into my compulsions. I had an incontrollable urge for food and I ate anything that I could get my hands on. Naturally, the feeling of failure and of defeat did nothing to raise my self-esteem. I quickly tried to “erase” the damages done by this episode of compulsion by starting another even more severe diet that directly led me to another crisis. I did not understand what was going on. I was slowly starting to enter the incessant bulimic cycle. School finally started and I had gained five pounds. What a humiliation! What a failure! It really was too much; I felt like a monster, a human wreck, garbage. My feelings of shame and anger towards my body were so strong that I finally decided not to go to school until I had reached an “acceptable” weight. I had always done as I pleased so my mother didn’t protest, and neither did my father, of course, to whom I refused to talk at that point. Not that this seemed to bother him very much. No one was there to stop the incredible path to hell that was about to begin.
That is how I became a school dropout at the age of 15 years old. All my energy was now devoted to losing the extra pounds that I had put on since living with my mother. Unfortunately, I had no idea how to effectively lose weight and I became obsessed with food. The more I tried to lose weight, the more I seemed to gain. I started isolating myself and not seeing my friends. I was too ashamed of myself. I then slowly stopped going to family reunions and ended up not answering the telephone. Only one thing was occupying my mind- food. I was alternating between episodes of severe restriction and episodes of monstrous bingeing. When I finally reached 160 pounds, I felt like I was going to explode from the anger within me. I then stopped eating food for two months. I only allowed myself two baby food jars and a big glass of juice each day. I lost 40 pounds between the months of May and July. I also lost a big part of my muscular mass. What a nightmare! For five years, I put my life on hold. I didn’t go to school, I was in contact with almost no one and my entire life was devoted to my obsession with food.
I don’t remember what made me decide to call the Douglas Hospital. I would like to say that there was one important event that made me call, but I don’t remember anything of the kind. I simply think that eventually I was fed up with suffering. I couldn’t go any lower. All around me was darkness and I was also thinking more and more about death as a way out. Either I was going to end my life or I was going to get help. I made my choice. I called the Douglas Hospital Eating Disorder Clinic. A professional conducted a phone interview with me and we scheduled an appointment. I was then treated at the clinic for a year. It hasn’t been easy, but I can sincerely say that without this help, I don’t think I would be alive today. During the treatment, I understood the mechanisms that made me become completely obsessed with food. I realised that I was not the only one. Hundreds of people were struggling with the same obsession as I. I understood that I was simply sick. With the help of the Douglas Hospital team, I gradually regained self-confidence. I went back to school in adult education and finished my high school by correspondence. I slowly began enjoying life.
Today, I have a Bachelor’s degree in Political Science and I am back in school studying in a field that I love. I’ve had the chance to meet an extraordinary man whose love and support changed my life. Thank you François! With him, I had the chance to visit China, Thailand, Russia and also lived in France. I am back from my first solo trip to Guatemala, a dream I have had for years. I can’t say that everything is perfect. There are days when I like my body less, but everyday I respect it. I eat what I want, when I want and food is now a source of pleasure and of joy in my life.
Is healing a myth or a reality? I would like to say to those suffering silently that yes, healing is possible. Yes, it can become a reality. Yes, you can get out of an eating disorder and yes, life can be beautiful. You just need to make the right choices, go get help and trust the people that will help you.
Everything is possible. Good luck to you all.
Ladies and Gentlemen:
I am pleased to write this letter to let you know just how much ANEB has helped in my recovery. I developed an eating disorder when I was 18 after my parents’ divorce. At that time, I was very concerned with my looks. At 125 lb and 5’4’’, I thought I was fat and a friend of mine gave me her secret to staying thin: making herself vomit after meals! This idea, although inappropriate for me, stayed in the back of my mind and later, it turned into anorexia. This was the beginning of an interminable situation. In order to lose weight, I radically reduced my calories (one banana and one muffin per day, as well as four hours of aerobics!). At this rate, I saw the weight dropping off and was complimented on my courage and persistence. This so-called positive reinforcement brought me deeper into the hell of anorexia and I became helpless and controlled by the eating disorder. I now realize that this behavior was not "normal". For a long time, the people around me were not aware I had a problem since I became an expert at manipulation and lies. I went for therapy with a psychologist who unfortunately was not very familiar with eating disorders. I then went to the Douglas Hospital but since I did not fit into to their DSM criteria (not thin enough, no loss of menstruation, etc.), my request for help was denied. I did not get any help! Later, I met a doctor who specialized in these types of disorders, and he suggested that I join a group headed by a social worker at Notre-Dame Hospital. The therapist ended the sessions due to her pregnancy, and she was never replaced. Nevertheless, thanks to this group I found ANEB, which is what saved me. I participated in two groups with ANEB (about six months each) and with the help of counselors and the group’s support, I finally succeeded in getting out of that critical situation. I came within a hair’s breadth of dying. In January 2000, I weighed 85 lb, my menstruation stopped for seven years, and my blood pressure was about 90/30. Also, when I had a bone density test, the results indicated the first signs of osteopenia, which could have been avoided or minimized had I received adequate psychological treatment. In addition, I would not have lost twelve years of my life obsessing over thinness and anorexia. I consider myself extremely lucky to have gotten out of that hellish situation with so little after-effects. I could have died and never have had the opportunity to get better. ANEB gave me a second chance to live my life to its fullest. Free of anorexia, counting calories, and the obsession with being thin – an image that is very much conveyed in today’s society (media, television, magazines, modified pictures, internet sites, etc.) Yes, it is possible to free yourself from this dependency, but not on your own. The social pressures on women (and more and more on men) are unrealistic, unreachable, and destructive. Without the help of ANEB, even with my previous therapies, I would probably be dead today. Therefore, it is imperative to pay close attention to eating disorders. Unfortunately, this topic is still considered taboo and hidden in our so-called free society. Anorexia is a mask that often conceals depression, is a cry for help, and plunges individuals into a damaging vicious circle. Through my experience with anorexia, I now have a greater understanding of life. ANEB enabled me to regain my true identity (not my anorexic one) and my taste for life. Now, I have the courage to talk about my experience and show that I am living proof that with the necessary resources, one can surmount the seemingly insurmountable.
Lastly, let me stress the importance of considering eating disorders just as you would any other dependency. Anorexia and bulimia are serious and even deadly disorders, which need to be understood and exposed for what they are. A great deal of work needs to be done on consciousness-raising, prevention, and treatment. If we continue to obsess over today’s trend regarding body image and the value placed on thinness and youth, growing needs for therapy will urgently increase. Volunteers are hard to come by and increasingly younger females and males are developing eating disorders. There is a lot of work to be done, but I believe that everything positive is possible!
In all sincerity, my thanks to ANEB,
Nathalie Lapierre
Montreal, august 21, 2003 |
