Helping a friend or a loved one.

Eating disorders affect more than the people who suffer from them, they also trouble their parents and loved ones. The family and friends of people suffering from auto-destructive behaviour related to eating disorders often experience lack of understanding, powerlessness, and frustration. It can be difficult to find what to say or how to act with a person afflicted by such a disorder. To help you through this process, we recommend the following reflections and tools:

1. Get as much information as possible on eating disorders by consulting books, Internet sites, or professionals. Yet, make sure you do not let this problem control your life. The afflicted person’s healing process is not your responsibility. You can however be of great support by being there to listen and trying to understand what the person is going through, without passing judgment. Eating disorders are often a cry for help and, deep within themselves, these individuals are touched by your concern and thankful for your openness.

2. Know that eating disorders have nothing to do with food. Anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating (also known as hyperphagia) are complex disorders for which biological, psychological, and social causes vary with each individual. It is therefore important to avoid pressuring the person to eat, offer rewards for eating, or think the situation is improving because the person has gained a kilo: none of this has to do with the core of the problem. Comments regarding food and weight are not only futile they can worsen the problem by reinforcing the obsessive behaviour.

3. No one can win this power struggle over food. By exercising a strict control over food, these individuals believe they are controlling their emotions in other aspects of their lives. Any attempt to regulate meals or nutritional intake could very well strengthen the behaviour.

4. Avoid conversations that focus on appearances. To questions like “do you think I look fat?” it is best to answer “I have not noticed, I love you the way you are” or “I can see this matter is important to you; would you like to talk about it?” Whatever your response may be, do not justify comments that can worsen the self-image obsession.

5. When you voice your concern, you should express your feelings about your observations and avoid judgment or personal opinions. Make sure you speak in the first person. Do not start these discussions over meals; choose a time when everyone is calm. Then, you can say “I worry when you isolate yourself” instead of “I think you have an eating disorder and should seek help”. It is crucial to avoid reinforcing the person’s feeling of powerlessness. Instead focus on his/her ability to make his/her own decision. More than anything, she/he is entitled to her/his privacy.

6. However, should you have reasons to believe this person’s health is seriously threatened, seek help. This is a serious illness that you cannot handle alone. It is often necessary to consult specialists as people with eating disorders can deny having a problem or refuse help. Even if your loved one accuses you of betrayal, remember confidentiality no longer applies when there is evidence of potential physical harm.

7. Gather information on your region’s available resources and the services they offer, e.g., support groups, individual therapies (psychologist, nutritionist, sexologist, etc.), or medical care. By calling ANEB Québec, you can easily access this information and give it to the person suffering from an eating disorder. Remember that she/he alone can decide if help should be sought, as well as when and how this would take place. In the meantime, do not hesitate to seek help for yourself. Eating disorders affect all members of the person’s immediate circle and it is important that you are supported through this difficult time.

8. To see a loved one suffer from an eating disorder can make you feel angry, powerless, guilty, or frustrated. It is important that you release these emotions by reminding yourself that it is useless to blame the person for what is happening. In many ways, she/he is as confused as you are, in addition to being terrified by the feelings she/he is experiencing. Eating disorder can be a source of comfort at this point and it is difficult for the people who suffer from them to let them go. Guilt is also futile due to all the reasons stated in article #2. Even if you have indirectly been a contributing factor to this situation, there are several aspects of the disease that have nothing to do with you.

9. Do not attempt to take on the therapist’s role, you would fail. Due to the complex nature of anorexia, bulimia, or hyperphagia, even well intentioned parents or friends can intensify the negative aspects of the disease and completely miss the positive. A person’s outperformance is another’s underperformance. Remember, people suffering from eating disorders must seek help in accordance with their needs. If someone else does it for them and does not encourage them to own up to their responsibilities, their motivation to change things can be decreased significantly.

10. More importantly, question your own behaviour regarding body image and weight issues. Since we all belong to a society that fosters eating disorders, we must ponder our role in this obsession with thinness that is being perpetuated globally. Are you on a diet? Do you exercise to lose weight or to stay healthy? When you first encounter someone, do you put emphasis on their body shape? If you gain one or two kilos, is your self-esteem affected? It would be good to gain some insight into your own fears with respect to thinness.